Yes. Your kid is a Zombie.

Charlie and Andy over at howtobeadad.com (one of the coolest dad blogs ever!) have come up with a spot on comparison to illustrate why your kid is, in fact, a Zombie.  Be sure to check out their blog for 2 funny dads blogging their way through fatherhood.


**This post applies to all parents of any age and smell.

Click the picture for a larger picture, and Charlie and Andy's original post.

 So let's break this down...

1. Sparse, Messy Head of Hair

Yep, this automatically qualifies every kid I've ever seen.  Except maybe Teresa Guidice's (Real Housewives of New Jersey) kids who all had hairdresser's waiting for them as soon as they popped out.

Here's her and her youngest daughter DIRECTLY after giving birth.  Literally... 3 seconds later.

2.  Incomplete Set of Teeth

You never see a kid with all their teeth.  Most are actually proud to show you their missing teeth.  Well, if this is the case, then, every nursing home I've been too is full of zombies.  (These people are someone's kids)

3.  Constant Oral Excretions

I've been to a few 2 year old's birthday parties.  I've been the picture taker, or the cake cutter, or the playground watcher (wait...  that sounds creepy) more than my fair share of times over the past few years.  The amount of slobber excreted during a 2 year old's birthday party (including Great-Grandpa and Grandma during their moments of narcolepsy) could lubricate the Slip-n-Slide enough for the parents to actually have some fun too.

4.  Speaks in Moans and Screams


My In-Laws have told me stories about the moans my wife made when she slept or ate.  This trait is still around today.  This is what she sounds like most nights.

5.  Sharp, Dirt-Caked Nail and "Funk of 40,000 years" Aroma

I love dirt.  I loved it when I was a kid and I still love it.  Mud pies were a staple around our house on a Sunday afternoon.  If you didn't come home from playing outside without dirt under your nails and all over your clothes, you were not a kid.  My wife loves dirt too.  Apparently she ate it all the time when she was a kid, from what she tells me.  What kid doesn't love dirt?

Many kids hate baths.  They give you hell about them to the point that you say "Forget it!  We will do this tomorrow."  You send them off to bed, they get up the next day, make a few more of those mud pies, walk around the playground in a soiled diaper for a few hours, and bath time rolls around again, and... the same Hell-raiser begins screaming again.  That's where that "40,000 years of funk" smell comes from parents.

Ok, so maybe your not one of "those" parents, but you know they exist...

That funky smell sticks around for some people all their lives too, and we just can't help but notice it.

6.  Insatiable, Aggressive Appetite

Going back to that birthday party...  How many times do you hear a kid wine and moan because they are never satisfied with the icing on the cake, or they wanted chocolate cake when you bought white?  They want that white cake so bad, that they scream to the top of their lungs so loud, that every non-parent in the room (usually just my wife and I) wants to scream too because they won't shut up about it.

Just eat the freakin cake kid!!!!

7.  Worn, Ill-fitting Clothes, Clumsy, Random Motor Skills, and Unstable, Lurching Walk

All of our parents and grandparents are zombies.  And that homeless guy on the corner.  He's a zombie too.
________________

Yes.  Your kid is a zombie.  The zombie apocalypse is coming, whether you believe it or not.  You gave birth to a zombie, you help create a zombie, and well..  you are a zombie, I'm a zombie too.

It's ok.  We can't help it.  Just think how awesome it is to scare the crap out of people just by looking at them.  Hey we even inspired the greatest music video of all time.  (That would be Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for you Dad)  Here it is just to pay my homage to a childhood idol.

 Tim

The First Essential Tool for New Dads?

Over the past 7 months (we found out in Dec 2010 that we were expecting), I've read alot, I mean alot...  I wanted to find answers to what a new dad can expect when the little one arrives and takes over our lives.  Sure, I knew there will be poopy diapers, crying, and sleepless nights.  For years, my wife and I have always been that couple whose friends all have kids, but we didn't.  So, of course, birthday parties, BBQ's and game nights were always a little awkward, but you can only experience a slice a fatherhood through someone else's kids for so long until the urge to be a father yourself becomes overwhelming.

From my pre-dad experiences with our friends, I've gather that all babies do 3 things, Eat, Poop, and Sleep (lather, rinse, repeat...).  These things are a given, so I needed to focus my attention on what I think most dads really think about, but are hesitant to let anyone know.

Can I still watch UFC?  What am I going to have to put together in the babies room?  (Wait!!?  The baby gets their own room???  I've lived in this house for 6 years and I still don't have my man cave!)  What am I going to have to change in my routine?  Do I actually have to go to Home Depot and ask for a gallon of pink paint?

Yes, wives and mothers.  This is actually what we think about.  Changing that poopy diaper will be difficult to tackle at first, but once we get used to the smell, we can master it pretty quickly.  But we want to know, EXACTLY how our lives are about to change.  Oh, so on to that essential tool...  Is it a power drill, the daddy Bible, a set of screw drivers, or a skill saw?

Actually, its none of these.  The saying goes "A women become a mother once she is pregnant, and a man becomes a father when the baby arrives."  I don't believe this.  The First Essential Tool for New Dads is:  Be a support system for your wife and child.  The one thing I have learned so far, is that our wives love when we get actively involved in the growth of the baby, picking out the decor, and going to the birthing classes.  We have grown together as couples for years (in our case 10 years before our first child), so it's a given that the house pretty much runs on auto-pilot by now.  It's pretty crazy the things you will quickly learn that you never knew about your baby when you get involved.

Our baby went nuts inside the belly every time we watched American Idol.  She also hates vegetable soup.  (My wife LOVES vegetables, but puked it up every time she tried to eat it).  She drinks her own pee inside the womb.  What!?

I'm pretty sure I will have to bust out that power drill pretty soon, but for now I'm going to use this first essential tool to become a father now.  The house is slowly gearing up for the arrival of our baby girl in August.  Stay tuned for some other essential tools for new dads.

So fellow moms and dad's out there, I would love to hear what you think the most essential tool for new dad's should be?  Please comment below and let me know your thoughts!

Tim