Monday, June 13, 2011

Yes. Your kid is a Zombie.

Charlie and Andy over at (one of the coolest dad blogs ever!) have come up with a spot on comparison to illustrate why your kid is, in fact, a Zombie.  Be sure to check out their blog for 2 funny dads blogging their way through fatherhood.

**This post applies to all parents of any age and smell.

Click the picture for a larger picture, and Charlie and Andy's original post.

 So let's break this down...

1. Sparse, Messy Head of Hair

Yep, this automatically qualifies every kid I've ever seen.  Except maybe Teresa Guidice's (Real Housewives of New Jersey) kids who all had hairdresser's waiting for them as soon as they popped out.

Here's her and her youngest daughter DIRECTLY after giving birth.  Literally... 3 seconds later.

2.  Incomplete Set of Teeth

You never see a kid with all their teeth.  Most are actually proud to show you their missing teeth.  Well, if this is the case, then, every nursing home I've been too is full of zombies.  (These people are someone's kids)

3.  Constant Oral Excretions

I've been to a few 2 year old's birthday parties.  I've been the picture taker, or the cake cutter, or the playground watcher (wait...  that sounds creepy) more than my fair share of times over the past few years.  The amount of slobber excreted during a 2 year old's birthday party (including Great-Grandpa and Grandma during their moments of narcolepsy) could lubricate the Slip-n-Slide enough for the parents to actually have some fun too.

4.  Speaks in Moans and Screams

My In-Laws have told me stories about the moans my wife made when she slept or ate.  This trait is still around today.  This is what she sounds like most nights.

5.  Sharp, Dirt-Caked Nail and "Funk of 40,000 years" Aroma

I love dirt.  I loved it when I was a kid and I still love it.  Mud pies were a staple around our house on a Sunday afternoon.  If you didn't come home from playing outside without dirt under your nails and all over your clothes, you were not a kid.  My wife loves dirt too.  Apparently she ate it all the time when she was a kid, from what she tells me.  What kid doesn't love dirt?

Many kids hate baths.  They give you hell about them to the point that you say "Forget it!  We will do this tomorrow."  You send them off to bed, they get up the next day, make a few more of those mud pies, walk around the playground in a soiled diaper for a few hours, and bath time rolls around again, and... the same Hell-raiser begins screaming again.  That's where that "40,000 years of funk" smell comes from parents.

Ok, so maybe your not one of "those" parents, but you know they exist...

That funky smell sticks around for some people all their lives too, and we just can't help but notice it.

6.  Insatiable, Aggressive Appetite

Going back to that birthday party...  How many times do you hear a kid wine and moan because they are never satisfied with the icing on the cake, or they wanted chocolate cake when you bought white?  They want that white cake so bad, that they scream to the top of their lungs so loud, that every non-parent in the room (usually just my wife and I) wants to scream too because they won't shut up about it.

Just eat the freakin cake kid!!!!

7.  Worn, Ill-fitting Clothes, Clumsy, Random Motor Skills, and Unstable, Lurching Walk

All of our parents and grandparents are zombies.  And that homeless guy on the corner.  He's a zombie too.

Yes.  Your kid is a zombie.  The zombie apocalypse is coming, whether you believe it or not.  You gave birth to a zombie, you help create a zombie, and well..  you are a zombie, I'm a zombie too.

It's ok.  We can't help it.  Just think how awesome it is to scare the crap out of people just by looking at them.  Hey we even inspired the greatest music video of all time.  (That would be Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for you Dad)  Here it is just to pay my homage to a childhood idol.


No comments:

Post a Comment