Friday, June 17, 2011

Two Fats Guys and a Cuban Walk Into a Store... and I'm One of Them

...and I'm one of them.  This is not the beginning of a good joke, and I'm not the Cuban.

I've got man boobs now.  I had them before my wife was pregnant, but they were barely visible...  "a" cups maybe. (that's a "little a") If there is a man boob size chart, I would have been labeled the size before "A" cups, "little a" cups, maybe?

They were nice man boobs.  I wasn't embarrassed to take off my shirt during the men's volleyball game at the family reunion.  But now?  Now, I don't like what I see.  See for yourself.

I warned you that they were not pretty.  That side boob thing isn't lovely either unless you get turned on by side boobs.  Make sure you know who's side boob it is before you start panting though..

So, I've heard this whole "daddy is pregnant too" business and I don't really like it.  I can't sleep well.  That extra 20 pounds is really showing now.  My clothes don't fit anymore.  I have headaches more often than before.  My wedding ring is cutting off the circulation to my finger.  I'm tired and ready to go to bed by 9pm most nights.  I pee alot more.  My lower back pain hurts more now.  I'm bitchy and snap when I shouldn't...

What the Hell???  Pregnant women are beautiful creatures.  "Pregnant" guys are just plain UGLY.

Some people call this "Sympathy Weight".  Yeah, I guess so.  My wife is the wonderful, and has dealt with all the "normal" body changes during pregnancy amazingly well.  Husbands like bigger boobs!!  (aka Basketballs with pieces of bologna attached to them)

Ok, maybe not that big, but now you have that image stuck in your head, don't you?

Me on the other hand... I'm not dealing with it very well.  I want my perky pecs back, my wedding ring to fit again, and to be able to walk up stairs without asking for a moment after we reach the top.

I know.  I know...  New dads have to get used to waking up for feedings at 2am, not complaining because we can't watch a movie all the way through because the baby just started crying (although my 3 dogs always feel the need to pee at least 4 times in a 90 min movie.  So I'm pretty used to that by now), and not getting that new tripod you want for your camera because the baby room needs new lampshades... sorry bawbaw...  :)

I just want my old body back.  I can deal with the other things, because seeing my little baby girl's face for the first time, hearing her say "daddy" for the first time, seeing her smile for the first time, and seeing my wife become a mother for the first time, will make me forget pretty quickly about my overtly large man boobs.

**Just so know one gets offended, "Two Fats Guys and a Cuban" is what we call my 3 man crew at work.  We know we are fat, so no reason to hide it now.***



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