I went through a lot of hacker tricks to hijack this blog, no really, he was logged in and I added myself as an author, so I guess it was not as War Games of me as I first thought, but I digress...
The point of this "blog-jacking", is to wish my husband a Happy Father's Day. We non-verbally decided not to give gifts for Mother's Day and Father's Day (or just were to lazy to do so) since our little one is not here yet, but I wanted him to find little nuggets of my appreciation throughout The Net today(another hacker movie reference, I think I have a problem).
Bawbaw*,
Even though Harper is not here yet, you have surpassed my expectations with how amazing you have been. Your involvement, support, and excitement throughout this pregnancy have shown me how wonderful you will be to our children. I am proud that they will have you as a model of what a man, a husband, and a father should be. I can't wait to see you see our baby for the first time, see you hold her, laugh with her, play with her, teach her and guide her throughout her life. I know she will be raised with a since of self worth and hopefully one day find a man who can fill her daddy's shoes, because she deserves someone to be as wonderful to her as you are to me.
Love, Bawbaw*
Okay, I have to stop the pregnancy hormones, with all the sweet mushy stuff are giving me the snots. Also, since the theme song to Mission Impossible is playing in my head, I feel the need to hurry and post this before I am caught...
*Side note, we call each other Bawbaw. This is a long and complicated evolution of the pet name baby. You pronounce it as if your were Goat Boy from SNL saying baby....
...and I'm one of them. This is not the beginning of a good joke, and I'm not the Cuban.
I've got man boobs now. I had them before my wife was pregnant, but they were barely visible... "a" cups maybe. (that's a "little a") If there is a man boob size chart, I would have been labeled the size before "A" cups, "little a" cups, maybe?
They were nice man boobs. I wasn't embarrassed to take off my shirt during the men's volleyball game at the family reunion. But now? Now, I don't like what I see. See for yourself.
I warned you that they were not pretty. That side boob thing isn't lovely either unless you get turned on by side boobs. Make sure you know who's side boob it is before you start panting though..
So, I've heard this whole "daddy is pregnant too" business and I don't really like it. I can't sleep well. That extra 20 pounds is really showing now. My clothes don't fit anymore. I have headaches more often than before. My wedding ring is cutting off the circulation to my finger. I'm tired and ready to go to bed by 9pm most nights. I pee alot more. My lower back pain hurts more now. I'm bitchy and snap when I shouldn't...
What the Hell??? Pregnant women are beautiful creatures. "Pregnant" guys are just plain UGLY.
Some people call this "Sympathy Weight". Yeah, I guess so. My wife is the wonderful, and has dealt with all the "normal" body changes during pregnancy amazingly well. Husbands like bigger boobs!! (aka Basketballs with pieces of bologna attached to them)
Ok, maybe not that big, but now you have that image stuck in your head, don't you?
Me on the other hand... I'm not dealing with it very well. I want my perky pecs back, my wedding ring to fit again, and to be able to walk up stairs without asking for a moment after we reach the top.
I know. I know... New dads have to get used to waking up for feedings at 2am, not complaining because we can't watch a movie all the way through because the baby just started crying (although my 3 dogs always feel the need to pee at least 4 times in a 90 min movie. So I'm pretty used to that by now), and not getting that new tripod you want for your camera because the baby room needs new lampshades... sorry bawbaw... :)
I just want my old body back. I can deal with the other things, because seeing my little baby girl's face for the first time, hearing her say "daddy" for the first time, seeing her smile for the first time, and seeing my wife become a mother for the first time, will make me forget pretty quickly about my overtly large man boobs.
**Just so know one gets offended, "Two Fats Guys and a Cuban" is what we call my 3 man crew at work. We know we are fat, so no reason to hide it now.***
Charlie and Andy over at howtobeadad.com (one of the coolest dad blogs ever!) have come up with a spot on comparison to illustrate why your kid is, in fact, a Zombie. Be sure to check out their blog for 2 funny dads blogging their way through fatherhood.
**This post applies to all parents of any age and smell.
Click the picture for a larger picture, and Charlie and Andy's original post.
So let's break this down...
1. Sparse, Messy Head of Hair
Yep, this automatically qualifies every kid I've ever seen. Except maybe Teresa Guidice's (Real Housewives of New Jersey) kids who all had hairdresser's waiting for them as soon as they popped out.
Here's her and her youngest daughter DIRECTLY after giving birth. Literally... 3 seconds later.
2. Incomplete Set of Teeth
You never see a kid with all their teeth. Most are actually proud to show you their missing teeth. Well, if this is the case, then, every nursing home I've been too is full of zombies. (These people are someone's kids)
3. Constant Oral Excretions
I've been to a few 2 year old's birthday parties. I've been the picture taker, or the cake cutter, or the playground watcher (wait... that sounds creepy) more than my fair share of times over the past few years. The amount of slobber excreted during a 2 year old's birthday party (including Great-Grandpa and Grandma during their moments of narcolepsy) could lubricate the Slip-n-Slide enough for the parents to actually have some fun too.
4. Speaks in Moans and Screams
My In-Laws have told me stories about the moans my wife made when she slept or ate. This trait is still around today. This is what she sounds like most nights.
5. Sharp, Dirt-Caked Nail and "Funk of 40,000 years" Aroma
I love dirt. I loved it when I was a kid and I still love it. Mud pies were a staple around our house on a Sunday afternoon. If you didn't come home from playing outside without dirt under your nails and all over your clothes, you were not a kid. My wife loves dirt too. Apparently she ate it all the time when she was a kid, from what she tells me. What kid doesn't love dirt?
Many kids hate baths. They give you hell about them to the point that you say "Forget it! We will do this tomorrow." You send them off to bed, they get up the next day, make a few more of those mud pies, walk around the playground in a soiled diaper for a few hours, and bath time rolls around again, and... the same Hell-raiser begins screaming again. That's where that "40,000 years of funk" smell comes from parents.
Ok, so maybe your not one of "those" parents, but you know they exist...
That funky smell sticks around for some people all their lives too, and we just can't help but notice it.
6. Insatiable, Aggressive Appetite
Going back to that birthday party... How many times do you hear a kid wine and moan because they are never satisfied with the icing on the cake, or they wanted chocolate cake when you bought white? They want that white cake so bad, that they scream to the top of their lungs so loud, that every non-parent in the room (usually just my wife and I) wants to scream too because they won't shut up about it.
Just eat the freakin cake kid!!!!
7. Worn, Ill-fitting Clothes, Clumsy, Random Motor Skills, and Unstable, Lurching Walk
All of our parents and grandparents are zombies. And that homeless guy on the corner. He's a zombie too.
________________
Yes. Your kid is a zombie. The zombie apocalypse is coming, whether you believe it or not. You gave birth to a zombie, you help create a zombie, and well.. you are a zombie, I'm a zombie too.
It's ok. We can't help it. Just think how awesome it is to scare the crap out of people just by looking at them. Hey we even inspired the greatest music video of all time. (That would be Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for you Dad) Here it is just to pay my homage to a childhood idol.
So today I've been scouring the web and doing the whole social media thing trying to promote this blog. (OK "insert shameless plug". Please follow me on Twitter and Facebook using the links on the right of the page.) I ran across this video posted on another blog about Dad's (The Father Factor).
I've watched this video a few times now and actually tear up thinking about what the future holds for me and my baby girl. Trips to the Zoo and the playground, camping in the backyard, taking her to her Violin lesson, having the "Birds and Bees" talk... (Wait? I have to do that at some point right?)
Dad's, am I crazy for imagining all of this even before she is born!?? I still have to get through the infancy years and I'm thinking about the "Birds and the Bees" talk? I'm sorry, but I can't help it. All I do anymore is imagine what life will be like when she is here. This video just really struck a chord with me and I wanted to share it with all of you. (Oh, I just remembered... Having a girl means I have to pay for a wedding too?)
Geez.. Am I normal or just crazy for wanting to be the best Dad ever?
Over the past 7 months (we found out in Dec 2010 that we were expecting), I've read alot, I mean alot... I wanted to find answers to what a new dad can expect when the little one arrives and takes over our lives. Sure, I knew there will be poopy diapers, crying, and sleepless nights. For years, my wife and I have always been that couple whose friends all have kids, but we didn't. So, of course, birthday parties, BBQ's and game nights were always a little awkward, but you can only experience a slice a fatherhood through someone else's kids for so long until the urge to be a father yourself becomes overwhelming.
From my pre-dad experiences with our friends, I've gather that all babies do 3 things, Eat, Poop, and Sleep (lather, rinse, repeat...). These things are a given, so I needed to focus my attention on what I think most dads really think about, but are hesitant to let anyone know.
Can I still watch UFC? What am I going to have to put together in the babies room? (Wait!!? The baby gets their own room??? I've lived in this house for 6 years and I still don't have my man cave!) What am I going to have to change in my routine? Do I actually have to go to Home Depot and ask for a gallon of pink paint?
Yes, wives and mothers. This is actually what we think about. Changing that poopy diaper will be difficult to tackle at first, but once we get used to the smell, we can master it pretty quickly. But we want to know, EXACTLY how our lives are about to change. Oh, so on to that essential tool... Is it a power drill, the daddy Bible, a set of screw drivers, or a skill saw?
Actually, its none of these. The saying goes "A women become a mother once she is pregnant, and a man becomes a father when the baby arrives." I don't believe this. The First Essential Tool for New Dads is: Be a support system for your wife and child. The one thing I have learned so far, is that our wives love when we get actively involved in the growth of the baby, picking out the decor, and going to the birthing classes. We have grown together as couples for years (in our case 10 years before our first child), so it's a given that the house pretty much runs on auto-pilot by now. It's pretty crazy the things you will quickly learn that you never knew about your baby when you get involved.
Our baby went nuts inside the belly every time we watched American Idol. She also hates vegetable soup. (My wife LOVES vegetables, but puked it up every time she tried to eat it). She drinks her own pee inside the womb. What!?
I'm pretty sure I will have to bust out that power drill pretty soon, but for now I'm going to use this first essential tool to become a father now. The house is slowly gearing up for the arrival of our baby girl in August. Stay tuned for some other essential tools for new dads.
So fellow moms and dad's out there, I would love to hear what you think the most essential tool for new dad's should be? Please comment below and let me know your thoughts!
Hello everyone and welcome to Daddy Dynamics. My name is Tim. I'm a 29 year old, soon to be (August 2011) father, and I wanted to chronicle all the various parameters of fatherhood from a perspective of a first time dad. I've read a few books, looked over a few websites, and downloaded a few apps that are supposed to help us (first time parents) figure out how to compile our own instruction manual for our first child. I've searched around the web for something geared more to the dad's side of things, and have wondered why we seem to get left out of all the wonders and fun!?
There are plenty of websites, magazines, apps and articles on motherhood, mommy accessories, and the latest nursery decor, but what about the things dads really need to know? Like how long it takes to put together the crib and other baby furniture (including the level of frustration and back pain involved), how confusing is it to strap your baby in the stroller or car seat to go to the grocery store, the essential tools every dad needs (because from birth until they move out, all dads will have to put together or fix something at some point, right?), and the latest in diaper technology.
The point of this blog is, right now, I don't know the answer to these things, but I will certainly come across all of these different scenarios at some point. I invite you all to follow along with me as I navigate this exciting journey of being a dad!
10 more weeks to go until our little one is here! Now to painting that dresser...
